The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

The original cycle of abuse’s four steps can be adapted to fit narcissistic relationships. Just as physical violence is not only perpetrated by one gender, narcissistic abuse is unisex. Instead of using fists or smashing bottles to hurt someone, someone high in narcissism tends to use gossip and lies to mar the victim's reputation. This person may use whatever means necessary to keep their partner in line and themselves in control of the narrative. Even if they are called out on their lies and smear campaign, the narcissist may state that the victim deserved it.

It is important to understand that there is no “first” or “last” step of the cycle, as it is a continuous pattern with no clear beginning or end. Rather, the narcissistic cycle of abuse is how narcissistic individuals exploit their partners into doing what they demand and force them to ebb and flow according to the narcissist’s whims.

The four stages of the narcissistic cycle of abuse are based on Walker’s stages. Like Walker’s cycle of abuse, the narcissistic cycle can begin or end at any stage and continue on.

Stage 1: Defining Event.

The “defining event” is not so much the crisis, but instead often refers to an outburst on the part of the narcissist. This may be an actual fight, argument, or even just a simple miscommunication. The crisis can be real or imagined. No matter what the reason is for the drama—even a minuscule inconvenience—in this scenario, the narcissist finds a reason to explode. The narcissist may have started to feel as if they were losing control of a situation or a person and thus has to cause an issue to bring attention back to themselves.

Stage 2: Regaining Control.

Even if the person high in narcissism is to blame for the crisis or problem, it may be that the victim ends up being apologetic. The "Defining Event" often shifts the power back to the narcissist and places the blame squarely on the victim. The victim may end up apologizing due to either learned helplessness or simply to keep the peace.

Learned helplessness can be a major reason behind the continuation of the cycle of narcissistic abuse. The partners of narcissists often confuse fear with love and thus may do anything to keep the peace. Fear, abuse, intimidation, and exploitation are not love and should never be confused with affection.

Stage 3: Peace and Quiet.

The cooling-down period may seem peaceful on the outside. But on the inside, the victim may be constantly scrambling to “make it up” to the narcissist. The narcissist may further manipulate the situation to reflect positively on them and negatively on the victim. Gaslighting is also extremely common during this period, and the narcissist may construct an entirely new narrative about the problem. Life is peaceful as long as the narcissist has their way and is the center of attention.

Stage 4: Tension Buildup.

Over time, the narcissist will begin to lose control of a narrative, another person, or a situation. Life has been continuing quietly and normally, but even the victim begins to get uncomfortable with the peace. Tension starts to build out of the victim’s fear of the narcissist and the narcissist’s fear of losing control. It’s only a matter of time before the narcissist explodes by creating drama and exploiting a minor issue; then begins another cycle of the push-pull relationship dynamic and imbalance of power.

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